As you can imagine, excitement at Fundermentals Towers was at fever-pitch when we heard about the reboot of the magnificent 1990s staple, Changing Rooms. We tuned it hoping for a little teapot armageddon and, whilst it’s still early days and there’s been no pottery action so far, things look promising.
As firm believers in the need for the stuffy world of research funding to follow the zeitgeist (Internet of Things, anyone?), we wanted to propose a new reboot for UKRI too. Don’t worry: we’ve posted our thoughts to our chum Ottoline in the ‘contact us’ section of the UKRI website. We’re sure to get an invitation to Death Star House soon. Or, well, at least an acknowledgement. Here, for the general research community, is our proposal.
Title: ‘Changing Grants’
Abstract: Two PIs get a chance to lead and ‘refresh’ each others grants, with hilarious results.
Outline of Episodes 1-300: A chirpy, bubbly presenter opens with a grant holder on each side of her: an astrophysicist on her left and edgy young cultural historian on her right. Each will have 48 hours to overhaul the other’s project. The presenter can barely contain her mirth as she hands over the original JeS forms to the two investigators.
For the next hour (20 mins of footage and 40 mins of advert breaks) the two are let loose on each others grants. The astrophysicist looks bewildered at the large amount of archival work, interviews and film-watching there seems to be in the historian’s grant, asking ‘what the point of it all is,’ and insisting that there needs to be many, many more datapoints here, here, here and here. Meanwhile the historian suggests that the astrophysicists needs to focus more on ‘the here and now,’ that radiowaves ‘are so last century’, and that the project team should consider using ‘proper names’ for the stars, and not random numbers. ‘How about ‘Macalia the Magnificent’ for this one,’ he suggests, ‘or ‘Plinky Malinky’ for this one?’
Hilarity ensues. The final shot is of both investigators being lead, gingerly, to the big reveal. There’s a moment of silence as they open their eyes and look around them, followed swiftly by tears. However, UKRI is delighted with the results, suggesting that they are ‘cutting edge exemplars of interdisciplinary projects that put the UK back at the forefront of research.’ Shiny brochures are produced, and Dominic Cummings is coaxed back from Barnard Castle for the big launch.
I await Ottoline’s thoughts with nervous excitement, a teapot and a hammer. She may, after all, need a demonstration of the kind of thing I have in mind.
Photo by Taelynn Christopher on Unsplash