There was news this week that Peter Dinklage was unhappy with Disney’s plans for a live action Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Now read on.
Scene: an office somewhere in Disney Studios. A scriptwriter is bent over his laptop. An animator comes in.
Animator: so how’s it going?
Scriptwriter: not bad, not bad at all. You know, updating these classic movies for the modern world can be difficult, but this Snow White reboot is a cinch.
Animator: Oh? I heard that there was some problem with it. Whatshisname from Game of Thrones was mad about it. Where was it? [scrolls through his phone] Yeah, right here: Quote: ‘you’re still making that fucking backward story of seven dwarves living in the cave.’ Unquote.
Scriptwriter: Hmm, yeah, I saw that. I think I’ve got a way round it. Ta da! [He clicks his mouse and there’s a mock up of a title screen]
Animator [reading]: ‘Adam Tickell and the Seven Principles‘? What the hell is that?
Scriptwriter: It’s the new Snow White! We do away with the dwarfs – as Dinklage says, dwarfs in a cave? I mean, come on! – and instead we have a vice chancellor, undertaking a review of bureaucracy. With seven principles helping him. What’s not to like?
Animator: But…but…I mean…it doesn’t sound very compelling…
Scriptwriter: What??
Animator: Won’t it be a bit slow? And, well, will primary school children even like the principles? They don’t sound very cuddly.
Scriptwriter: Of course they will. I mean who wouldn’t love a troupe of darling principles? And such cute names! Harmonisation, Simplification, Proportionality, Flexibility, Transparency, Fairness, and Sustainability.
Animator: But they won’t even be able to pronounce them!
Scriptwriter: Well we could always shorten them: Harmie for Harmonisation, for instance.
Animator: And what are they supposed to do?
Scriptwriter: Well you’re going to love this, because it means less work for you! They’re essentially going to sit in the background, looking serious and vaguely disapproving.
Animator: Won’t make for much of a movie, though, will it?
Scriptwriter: Well…sure, it needs some work. Perhaps they could, I don’t know, stand on one leg? Possibly juggle?
Animator: And what’s Tickell going to be doing this whole time?
Scriptwriter: Reading, mainly. And possibly talking to research administrators. Think about how much you’d save on the animation costs!
Animator: I don’t think you’re getting the whole purpose of what we do! We’re meant to be producing exciting…
Scriptwriter: Well there’s some people in the UK who are excited by this! I mean, Hamish McHamish of ARMA *loves* all this. He might even go and see the film multiple times!
Animator: I don’t think it will be enough to overcome the lost revenue from the primary school children.
Scriptwriter: What about if he takes the full ARMA Board?
Animator: Not even then.
Scriptwriter: So…so are you suggesting I have to start all over again?
Animator: Yes.
Scriptwriter [sighs]: Oh, okay. But a dream, a beautiful dream, has died today. Still [he picks up a piece of paper beside his laptop]. This has just come in. ‘Michael Gove and the 12 Missions’. It’s got a bit of a ring to it, hasn’t it?