Today the Science Minister George Freeman admitted that the UK wasn’t so much a Science Superpower as, at best, a small science powerhouse. Now read on.
Scene: Whitehall. An office. George Freeman (for it is he) is writing furiously. There’s a knock on the door.
Freeman: Come!
Daniel Ontario, a special adviser, enters carrying a try with a cup of tea and a bowl of cheesy Wotsits on it.
Daniel: I thought you might need these, minister.
Freeman: Ah! Daniel. Just in time. [He looks at the bowl]. Mmm. Cheesy Wotsits. My favourites. [He takes a handful and his short-trimmed beard turns orange with chemical cheese powder. He attempts to brush it off but it goes up his nose. He sneezes. Daniel produces a handkerchief].
Daniel: Sorry, minister.
Freeman: Well, never mind that, Daniel. I’ve got an important question to ask you. I’ve got this speech to deliver today to the think tank Onward.
Daniel: As in Christian soldiers?
Freeman [pausing, and looks at the invitation on his desk]. No, no I don’t think so. There’s no mention of them.
Daniel: Oh.
Freeman: Anyway, I need your advice. I’m going to say that the UK’s not a Science Superpower, but I’m not sure what else to call it.
Daniel: A Science Power?
Freeman: It’s not very snappy, though, is it? It should be at least three syllables. Rishi will be on my back if it’s not three syllables. And ideally I want a little frisson of Victorian endeavour mixed with the space age in there. Any ideas?
Daniel: A Science Workshop?
Freeman: Sounds a bit secondary modern.
Daniel: A Dark Satanic Science Superpower.
Freeman: Don’t be stupid, Daniel. No need to get all North Korean on it. Though you are along the right lines. We could get the literati scholars onside with a bit of Blake.
Daniel: A Science Sputnik? A Science Showdown? A Science Powerplay? A Science Sheebang?
Freeman: No, no! To catch the public imagination it should be a building of some sort.
Daniel: A building?
Freeman: Yes! People can relate to that. Something concrete.
Daniel: A Science…Semi?
Freeman: Not very thrusting and 21st century, is it?
Daniel: A Science Leisure Complex, including a 23 screen cinema, bowling alley and Apple Store.
Freeman: Dammit man! Be serious!
Daniel: I was! People love Westfield!
Freeman: No, we need a science power…thingy.
Daniel: Power…house?
Freeman: Yes! That’s it! Powerhouse! I like it! I don’t know what it is, but I like it! Maybe it’s like a power station but…smaller. Like a woodburner perhaps. Or a kerosene lamp.
Daniel: Or a triple A battery?
Freeman: Yes, perhaps. But a Science Triple A doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it?
Daniel: No.
Freeman: Anyway, who’s going to ask? They’ll just nod and write it down and think it’s sexy. It sounds good, and who cares what it mean? My work will be done. Science Powerhouse it is. [He scribbles on his pad and slams it shut]. Right! What’s next?
Daniel: Well there’s the small question of Horizon Europe…
Freeman [feigns deafness]: My goodness! Is that the time? I’ve just remembered that I’ve got to go and, um…[He wanders off, wiping cheese dust from his nose. Daniel sighs and removes the tea cup and Wotsits, gently humming ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ to himself]
Photo by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash