Last week the government announced a 50% cut in the ODA research budget. Today UKRI wrote to universities saying that “we would like you to consider different terminating and reprofiling options for individual grants…across your portfolio of grants as a whole…On balance of risks our preferred approach is to offer you the opportunity to find a way to maintain the capabilities and partnerships established through GCRF activities in a reduced form during the next financial year, to keep open the chance that these grants might continue to operate in the future.”
Now read on.
A small train station called Brexit-under-Covid. A sheepish-looking academic approaches the ticket barrier, and hands the guard his ticket.
Guard: Ah. A GCRF ticket. Hmm. I’m afraid it’s out of date. You needed to travel before 31 July.
Academic: What! But I was assured that it was valid for at least two years after that.
Guard: I’m sorry sir. New rules. More than my job’s worth to question them.
Academic: But…but that means I’m stranded…here. How will I ever complete my journey?
Guard: Hmm. I’m afraid it’s very difficult. But don’t worry; Brexit-under-Covid is a lovely place to be. Charming. Like a cross between 1953 and 1353. Imagine the Festival of Britain, except with buboes. A Festival of Buboes, if you will.
Academic: Umm…
Guard: Perhaps you could consider a journey around the town? The open top bus is really wonderful. A lovely circular route that always promises much more than it delivers. Beautiful vistas until you get there, and then it’s always disappointing. You can buy an all-inclusive Aria pass for £800m.
Academic: What does the Aria pass get me?
Guard: It gets you the promise of improbable magic. With a high risk of failure.
Academic: That doesn’t sound like it’s worth it.
Guard: Depends on your point of view. Some would say it’s definitely worth more than any number of GCRF tickets.
Academic: How? I mean, the GCRF ticket gets me beyond Brexit-under-Covid! It means I can be with, work with, live with and benefit those outside of Brexit-under-Covid!
Guard: Why would you want that? Anyway, it doesn’t change anything. Your ticket’s still not valid.
Academic: Can I get a refund?
Guard: No. We promised you a journey, and now you can’t have the journey. End of.
Academic: Isn’t there any way…?
Guard: Well, I tell you what I can do. You can have a journey in a reduced form, in the hope that the validity of your ticket will be restored next year.
Academic: That’s bonkers. So what is a ‘journey in a reduced form’ like?
Guard: You get pulled along by a mule. Slowly. And only part of the way.
Academic: Umm…
Guard: Take it or leave it.
Academic (looks around him, and spots the open top bus idling outside the station): Okay, I’ll take it. Now which way’s the mule?
Photo by Adam Bignell on Unsplash