Last week RCUK published the results of its user satisfaction survey 2014. Now read on.
Death Star House. A large open plan office. There are bureaucrats as far as the eye can see, stamping documents and passing them to each other in an endless, Escher-style circle.
Bureaucrat 1 (stops suddenly and stares at the document in front of him): Smidgkins!
Smidgkins: What is it Olphinstone? Can’t you see I’m busy? These papers won’t get shuffled by themselves you know.
Olphinstone (for it is he): But have you seen this? It’s the results of our User Satisfaction Survey!
Smidgkins: Yes, yes. I’m sure. Now stamp it on both sides and pass it over here.
Olphinstone: No, look! It says ‘where levels of satisfaction have decreased, reasons cited by respondents for this include less involvement/engagement, declining funds, and too much bureaucracy.
Smidgkins: WHAT! Too much bureaucracy? Not enough engagement? Declining funds? How dare they?! Do they not understand the importance of shuffling paper and stamping documents? And do they know how expensive it is? That’s the last time we’ll ask them their views!
Olphinstone: Quite. I mean, if all this bureaucracy wasn’t important we obviously wouldn’t do it. Or replicate it in our electronic forms.
Smidgkins: Exactly! (rips the document from Oliphstone). They simply don’t understand! Putley! Putley! Have you seen this?
Putley: What is it? Can’t you see I’m stamping? And shuffling? And burning money?
Smidgkins: The so called ‘users’ think we’re too bureaucratic and don’t engage enough!
Putley: Well they’re clearly wrong. Carruthers!
Carruthers: Yes?
Putley: Take a memo. Use an R500 form. Yes, that’s the most appropriate one, I think. No, not the blue one: that’s an R500 (a). We just need an R500. (pause whilst Carruthers looks confused) The yellow one! The yellow one! Carruthers picks up a yellow form. In triplicate, Carruters! Remember the carbon copies! Right! Ready?
Carruthers: Yes.
Putley: ‘To Professor Sir Darth. Your Imperial Highness, it has come to my attention that the User Satisfaction Survey – ‘ what’s the document number Smidgkins?
Smidgkins (turns the document over): It doesn’t appear to have one.
Putley (derisive snort): Well doesn’t that speak volumes! We’ll just have to give it one. Let’s call it…USS01/01.
Oliphstone: Shouldn’t that be USS01/14? To reflect the year to which it refers?
Smidgkins: I disagree: it should be USS01/15, to reflect the year in which it was published.
Carruthers: But if that’s the case, shouldn’t it be USS06/15 to reflect the month in which it was published?
All pause and consider.
Putley: Right! Well this clearly needs clarification. Get a BV320-L, Carruthers! We need to make a request for an official document number…
Carruthers: I’m afraid we’re out of BV320-Ls, sir.
Putley: Damn. Okay, we need to complete a BV320-M, to request more BV320-Ls.
A woman comes in with a trolley stacked high with paper.
Aluesta (for it is she): The latest user statisfaction surveys have come in. Where do you want them?
Putley: What? But we’ve just got that!
Aluesta: This supercedes that. The original one had missed a key form-within-a-form. The Q Division felt that we needed to seek further clarification. However all the original respondents were sick of filling in forms, so didn’t respond.
Putley: But…but there’s still a considerable response! There must be 5,000 forms here!
Aluesta: They’re all from within Death Star House. A full 3% of staff responded.
Putley (looking at the forms): And they all say there’s not enough bureaucracy and ideally we should introduce more! Hurrah! It’s exactly as we suspected. Ditch the BV320-Ms and the BV320-Ls and carry on with the shuffling and stamping. These unnecessary clarifications won’t file themselves, you know.
All return to their work, as HR show the latest tranche of 700 bureaucrats to their desks.
“Bureaucracy / Bürokratie I” by manoftaste.de is licensed under CC BY 2.0