Last month it was reported that the Business Secretary, Alok Sharma, wanted to ‘rip up’ the Industrial Strategy and start again. Now read on.
A Zoom call.
Sharma: Hello? Can you hear me? Can anyone hear me?
Amanda Solloway: You’ve got to unmute.
Sharma: Hello?
Michelle Doelan: Press the ‘unmute’ button. It’s at the bottom.
Sharma: Ah: I think I was on mute. So listen: I was thinking it was about time we had a new industrial strategy.
Solloway: A new one? But isn’t the old one still in date?
Sharma: Barely. I mean, it was pre-Covid. Surely we need to sex it up with a bit of Covid.
Doelan: I’m not sure that’s the point of an industrial strategy.
Sharma: Dom thinks it is. That and Arpa. Gotta have a bit of Arpa. Perhaps we can rename it the Cov-arpa Strategy. What do you think?
Solloway: Umm…
Doelan: So what will be in the new industrial strategy? What’s your thinking?
Sharma: Well Covid, obviously. And Arpa. Have I mentioned Arpa? I think we could shoehorn a few moonshots in there as well.
Solloway: And levelling up?
Sharma: God, yeah! Gotta have a bit of levelling up. ‘Levelling up the Arpa moonshots in a time of Covid’. That’s what we’ll call it. No one will think we’re trading in short-term political expediencies with a title like that. Dom’ll love it.
Solloway: Umm…
Doelan: The thing is, Minister, its been less than three years since the last strategy. And it was quite broad: I mean a focus on artificial intelligence and big data; clean growth; the future of mobility; and an ageing society. Those issues haven’t gone away.
Sharma: I notice there’s no mention of Arpa, though.
Doelan: Yes! But that’s the point, Minister. It’s intended to be broad and visionary, and not responding to the specific policy drivers of the moment.
Sharma: Dom won’t be happy to hear you talk like that. We need the weirdos and misfits. You need to show some ‘genuine cognitive diversity.’ You’re too straight, man.
Solloway: But if we have a new industrial strategy every couple of years, no one will pay any attention to it.
Sharma: Is that a problem? I mean, you can’t sit still with Arpa moonshots going off all over the place. You’ll be completely levelled up. Or down.
Solloway: Okay Minister. How about this? We have an appendix to the Industrial Strategy. We can call it something like…
Sharma: Covid Arpa Moonshot Level?
Solloway: Well I was thinking more, ‘Super-Charing the Strategy: New Decade, New Direction.’
Sharma: I like it! And I’m sure Dom will too. It’s sexy and empty. Perfect! What will it say?
Solloway: Absolutely nothing. A few graphs. A picture of someone looking serious with a petridish. Someone else smiling and laughing with another person in front of a piece of engineering. Some inspirational stuff about challenges being opportunities, looking at stars in a time of darkness, looking for rainbows when it rains. That sort of thing. You know, the kind of stuff you see written on driftwood in Dunelm Mill.
Sharma: Brilliant! This could be it: my ticket to the big time! I want you two to do a first draft for me.
Doelan: Why us?
Sharma: Well, if Dom hates it, I can blame you. If Dom loves it, I can say I commissioned it.
Solloway: Sorry Alok, you seem to be breaking up. So sorry: it’s my WiFi, I’m sure [clicks ‘end meeting’]
Doelan: Yes, me too, Alok. I’m sure it’s my WiFi too [clicks ‘end meeting’]
Sharma: Damn! This always seems to happen to me! Ah well. I could make a start on the draft strategy myself. [Zooms his PA]. Evangeline? Hello? Sorry, I was on mute. Evangeline, where’s the nearest Dunelm Mill?
Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash